Adoption is amazing. It rocks your world, changes your life, brings purpose where there was a void, puts a former orphan into a home and family forever and kicks Satan in the chin. It’s incredible. At the same time, there is NOT enough support out there for people struggling after bringing children home. It’s not all rosy. It’s not peaches and cream. There are struggles- SERIOUS battles, especially when adopting a child over age 2. These kids have been exposed to way too much, and trained to think and behave extremely differently than kids we get to raise from birth. It’s a battle, and with the battle comes shame. I was ashamed to admit this, but not anymore.
The first month we were home, things felt too easy. Everything was going great. The bonding, attachment and adjustment seemed easy breezy. But the last few weeks the tide has turned. I am becoming impatient with the things I used to find endearing. Discipline- as in having to reprimand for the SAME things 50x a day- is becoming exhausting. My hormones and emotions are all outta wack. It doesn’t help that my husband still doesn’t have a job (though that is looking up) and we have financial stressors weighing down on us.
I compare adoption and pregnancy a lot… And I really do think they have a lot in common. Both bring unknowns. No, we don’t know anything really about Moses’ medical past, but when you get pregnant, you have no idea if your child will be born 100% completely healthy either. There are no guarantees. Both pregnancy and adoption gets your emotions and hormones in a place you could never imagine. There are TONS of unexpected circumstances and situations. There’s waiting. There are sleepless nights. And for many, there is post-partum depression. I personally believe that there is a form of that with adoptions, too.
And I also believe I am dealing with something like that right now. I struggled with sharing this publicly… I do NOT want to discourage anyone from adopting. Adoption and orphan advocating is still a passion of mine that drives me, and it always will be. We will adopt again. Soon. But just like I shared the struggles I experienced in Uganda, I feel like it’s more of a disservice not to be honest about what can happen. People need to know all the possible outcomes, and families need to band together to fight the attacks of the enemy on children of God.
Do you think the lady in Tennessee who sent her child back to Russia on a plane just woke up one day and decided to do that? Or do you think she battled for weeks/months with how to save her family? You might think she failed that child, but I think we all failed her. There should be a more clear-cut community of support for families who adopt older kids.
Now, Moses is NOWHERE near where that child was. Moses is a really.good.kid. He is sweet, tender-hearted, loving, affectionate, and totally wonderful. But right now he’s doing a LOT of testing and disobeying, and I am trying to settle back into my life before him, but with him. And that’s taking a lot of adjusting. After reaching out to several other families and spending lots of time with the Lord, I am beginning to feel restored in this area. I have learned that discipline with these kids can take a very.long.time, and have been encouraged that my being consistent with him is the key. I am enjoying all of our special little moments together… I have had 2.5 years to love Presley (not counting the 9 + months she spent in my belly), and little by little, I am falling in love with Moses everyday. It’s a conscious decision and it doesn’t always come easy.
But this I promise you… It is worth it. It is so worth it.
Honesty, love, and soul-baring,
Meghan
Hey Meghan, THANK YOU for this post. This is REAL life. I applaud your courage & honesty. It’s soul bearing like this that comforts others who think they are ALONE in similar struggles. How we believers come to think life with Christ brings no struggles? I don’t know. Probably just our flesh warring against discomfort I suppose. Trusting Christ will take The Matts from 1 level of Glory to the next through this season! Stay in the crucible! There is where His Spirits purifies & refines us!
Love ya’ll!
The Lamberts
I’m glad you wrote this post! It’s honest and it speaks truth…i TOTALLY agree and hope as the months and years go by, we can as a church, a body of believers come together and prepare and have programs or meetings or groups for families AFTER adoption!
Sorry I don’t have a ton of time to comment, but I wanted to reach out.
Please visit this site. Several adoptive parents (russian adoptions) have found relief in solving behaviors with this approach.
http://www.beyondconsequences.com/
It is very hard, people have to be made aware of that before they go through the process so I am glad you have brought it up. It’s always best to prepare for the worst and if things are easy great, if they aren’t you are prepared.
xoxo
I thought of this today: E’s disobeying and us having to constantly “remind” him of things is a good step. E was a breeze for almost 5 months. Just recently he has been trying, nothing horrible, but at the very least, bothersome. We figured this would happen, probably as did you. My thought was that now E is comfortable and he’s trying to see what he can do. I think it is actually a step forward not back. He’s not just the little obedient robot like he had been acting. His true personality is coming through and growing. I guess they are hitting the 2 yr old stage at 4.
I know from watching him in Sanyu that he has a lot of behaviors that need retraining. I just wish I could get in his brain to figure out how his processing is working!
You’re not alone and I’ve had many days like you describe…this morning to be exact… Thanks for your honesty!!
I am so glad you posted on this. I feel like no one talks about what you do after you get home. It is so important to be open and honest, so it frees others to to the same. I am enjoying seeing your family grow closer together and closer to the Lord. Love your honesty!
I love you, Meghan. This will be very, very, very hard and very, very, very wonderful. Things that are precious don’t come without sacrifice and pain. I know you know all that… And it’s OK to say, “This hurts badly!” I think it stinks that we have to be secretive and fake like everything is so great. I’m for realness.
Read this mom’s blog for a few minutes http://thebodiebunch.blogspot.com/ and I PROMISE YOU that your eyes will pop out and you’ll feel strengthened and be able to pick yourself up to make it one more day. That’s all He promises us… one day at a time.
Love you!
Amy
In the trenches with you – not behavior issues per se – but we are parenting a traumatized child (damage caused both in utero and during his first eight months of life). The “experts” said all he needed was a few months in a loving home, but we have done more than a few months and I grieve because the “experts” were wrong! Lifting you up as you lean on Him to become the best mom to your kiddos – I am daily asking for grace – constant whinning from a non-communicative 2 year old (because of his limited speech) sometimes wearies my soul and I am not always the kind of mom I want to be.
Blessings.
Seriously, Im so proud of you. When I read the title of this post i thought to myself “wow, shes so much braver than me, Im so glad shes letting this out”. You should never be ashamed to admit there are hard times. babies dont come with a manual either. No one expects you to be the.worlds.greatest.mom (whatever that means) right off the bat. You are still getting to know Moses as well as him getting to know you. He is a wonderfully sweet spirited child, but even the sweetest child can be stubborn. Ive seen just a small amount of issues you are facing and while they are small little things they are like you said, constant. You have more patience than you know and you amaze me with your stamina and willpower.
so proud to call you my friend. Love you
Meghan,
Prayers and blessings to you guys, Keltie
Thank you for being real. We need more realness in post-adoption families. Post-adoption depression is a very valid, real thing, and I am going to pray for you daily until you post that you have reached the other side. This being our 2nd adoption, I knew that the gut-wrenching, heart-bleeding difficult stuff is not always just the getting them, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still happen. I believe that (as we both experienced) if the getting them is extremely hard in itself, the potential for depression afterwards is even higher. With our first adoption, there was one day about 6 weeks after our son got home that I just all of a sudden realized that things were going to get better. I am waiting for that day again.
love and appreciate your honesty. praying for you
anna
Tis true
“all things worth doing are not easy”….it is a PROCESS and your honeymoon period was great but now it is over….and reality set in and we understand “forever” and they don’t. We have been home over a year and half with our boys and it is still a process, like you said with great reward but not always easy. THIS IS NORMAL! People hide this stuff in shame and it simply is NORMAL to go through this… after a year of fundraising anticipating then traveling etc….there is a “let down” of emotions and hormones and it is a “post adoption funk” just as new mothers giving birth can have…
The biggest “help” for us and the behaviors is having them repeat it back….”mom said to…… if I dont then I am chosing to have…punishment”….they need loving firmness…they need boundaries and they seem to have any “self correction” turned off….it takes SO SO SO SO much and can drain you, your family, etc… if you dont have a great support network…give yourself time, this is not over night…much as God simply puts it out there for us to follow and we do our own thing and then come back for forgiveness and do it again….will our children do this too. This process has HUMBLED me and BROKEN me and RESTORED me and BLESSED me…and you will see the other side of this…it is beautiful-hold on to that “end result” it will happen.
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Post Adoption Depression Syndrome. I think that’s what it’s called. Totally a real thing. Talks about it in many of the books I’ve been reading.
Thanks for being honest. We’re about the bring home two children from Ethiopia (6 and 9). We’re very aware (sometimes I worry that we’re too aware) of the struggles that older child adoption can bring. But it’s always better to KNOW, than to wonder, “Is this normal?” Even if it does mean we sometimes spend a lot of time worrying about how much God might decide to trust us with…
Thank you so much for your honesty. We are in the (very) beginning stages of an international adoption for a toddler and/or young child. I need to hear these things in order to prepare for the post-adoption period. And to be reminded again that God is bigger, God is greater, and He will hold my hand through it all.
His blessings,
Carissa
You’re brave and smart and a wonderful mother!